Time And Relatively Distracting Innuendo-related Scandals
by Meer-Katnip
Summary: A CIA agent was sent to bring Clara and Ashildr back to Gallifrey. That was the Time Lords' first mistake.


**I was disgusted with the conspicuous lack of immortal time traveling girlfriend fanfiction in this fandom, so I decided to write some. And then Ace snuck in. Oops.**

 **Warning: pure crack and suggestiveness.**

* * *

"So, that went well," said Clara, brushing off her hands. "Another government toppled. Minimum fuss."

"Mm," Ashildr said. "Can we go back to the diner now?"

"But the villagers were going to throw a party for us!"

"You obviously haven't ever tasted _real_ roast boar."

"Good point. Well, what if we-"

"Hey, who's that?"

"Who's what?"

"That woman, running towards us. She's just over-"

"OI! You two!" yelled the woman, waving her arms in the air for effect.

"Who, us?" Ashildr said in surprise.

"Yes, you!" the woman called, approaching them and stopping a couple of metres away. "I'm Ace, from the Celestial Intervention Agency, and you're under arrest for… er, something! Give me a sec, I'll look it up."

Clara and Ashildr waited patiently as the newcomer rifled through her pockets, her black satchel, and finally produced a sheaf of papers from behind her own ear, a feat that even she seemed surprised at.

"Here we go," said Ace, recovering admirably. "Um, you're under arrest for breaking the primary laws of Time, stealing a TARDIS and running away- good job with that, actually- and…" She broke off, read the paper, and choked back a laugh. "What, seriously?"

"What does it say?" Clara asked in interest, stepping forwards to read over her shoulder. "Oh my god. Really?"

Ashildr moved over, and scanned the sheet. "…that's new."

"Er," said Ace. "You're under arrest for… is it actually possible to fit that many sheep into a TARDIS, incidentally?"

"Yes," said Ashildr. "Yes, it is. I don't advise it, though."

Ace nodded sagely. "Just asking. Sorry about this, but I've got to arrest you on behalf of the Celestial Intervention Agency." She bit her lip. "Nothing personal."

"No problem," Clara said cheerfully, holding out her wrists. "We surrender. I always thought handcuffs were kinky, anyway."

"Really?" asked the CIA agent eagerly. "That's the first time anyone's given themselves up willingly. Cool!"

"Just kidding," said Ashildr hastily, grabbing Clara's wrist and starting to run, ignoring the younger woman's small noises of protest. "We've got to run. Bye!"

"Okay!" said Ace, grinning for a moment, then frowned, beginning to give chase. "Wait, you're resisting apprehension!"

* * *

The second time they met was at an alien market in the middle of some obscure galaxy that no one had ever heard of.

"It's you two again!" yelled Ace, struggling across the crowd. "I've got to arrest you!"

"Who, me?" asked Clara.

"No," said Ashildr. "Me."

"You?"

"Yes, Me."

"Right," nodded Clara. "Do we really need to run away from her this time?"

"Yes, we do. Otherwise we'll be arrested by the Time Lords, and you'll be dead. And despite how much I pretend to despise you occasionally, I really don't want that."

"Fine," sulked Clara. "But we're going to leave her a present this time."

* * *

Weeks later, in a linear sense, they met again on the wreckage of what had once been the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

"Thanks for the bath salts," said Ace. "But I really need to arrest you now."

"Seriously?" Clara asked, annoyed.

"Seriously," she confirmed. "For the record, I'm feeling really bad about it and I don't want to, but…"

"So why are you doing it?" Ashildr asked.

Ace considered for a moment.

"My boss," she said eventually. "She's scary."

"Fair enough," agreed Clara and Ashildr together, both of them having had their own fair shares of scary bosses.

"Also, she's the president," continued Ace. "Of Gallifrey. So, yeah. Terrifying."

"Okay," said Clara, a pensive look on her face. "What if… you capture us, but we just so happen to overpower you?"

"That could never happen," Ace scoffed, surreptitiously getting rid of her weapons and anything dangerous in her pockets.

"Of course not," said Ashildr placidly. "So. Arrest us, officer."

"Okay," agreed Ace happily. "Oh no, the criminals are overpowering me. Whatever shall I do?"

"Stop wriggling while we tie you up," Clara scolded. "You're worse than Jane Austen."

"Ooh, you've met her?" Ace asked, making a conscious effort to stay still. "Ack- don't tickle me there!"

"Sorry," Ashildr said, not sounding sorry at all. "These robes of yours are really nice."

"I know, right? They're practically the only reason I'm still working for the Time Lords."

"What, the robes?" Clara frowned. "Can't you make some of your own?"

"I didn't consider that," Ace said. "Hm."

"We must be off, though," Ashildr said. "Things to meet. People to do."

Clara grinned and winked at her. "Is that an offer?"

"Can I get in on this?" asked Ace eagerly from the ground.

"Maybe later," decided Ashildr. "Like I said, we have stuff to get on with."

"Okay," Ace said, shrugging. "But before you go, there's a package in my left pocket. For you two."

Ashildr pulled it out and held it up to the light. "Is this it?"

"Yup."

Clara tore it open, and practically squealed, taking out two extremely expensive-looking black dresses. "Ooh! For us?"

"Now, I'm not suggesting anything, but there's a rather fancy ball at the exact co-ordinates included in that package. And I've got a really nice new tuxedo I want to try out."

"We'll be there," Ashildr said. "I haven't gone to a good party in _ages…_ "

* * *

It was indeed rather a marvellous party.

"There she is!" said Clara enthusiastically, dragging Ashildr behind her through the crowds of posh people with over-the-top British accents. Ace turned at the sound of her voice and waved.

"You two look great!" she cheered over the roar of chattering people.

"Nice tux," Clara remarked admiringly.

Ace winked at her. "Ta. Oh, by the way, I got fired."

Ashildr clapped slowly and ironically. "Good job."

"On purpose," Ace added. "Also, I stole a TARDIS while I was at it. Romana didn't seem to mind, anyway."

"Is there some sort of club for people who've stolen time machines?" asked Ashildr innocently.

Ace tapped her lips. "We could start one. I know a man…"

"So do I," said Clara, and looked sad for a moment. "But he doesn't know me…"

Ashildr clapped them both on their shoulders, and steered them in the direction of the drink table. "All right, no angsty introspection. Not at this party, anyway. We'll save that for afterwards."

Clara fluttered her eyelashes and grinned in a disarming manner. "What are we going to do… afterwards?"

"Why, take over the justice system on this planet, of course," Ace told her. "Or we could find a nice hotel someplace and get to know each other. Either way, let's have some fun."

"Capital idea," Ashildr said happily.

* * *

As it turned out, Ace was just as flexible in bed as she was in other matters. And Ashildr had picked up more than a couple of tricks- that sort of thing comes from living for a frankly ridiculous amount of time. And Clara, well… let's just say that she was more than happy to share some things that Jane Austen taught her with the other two.

And they all lived happily ever after until the CIA got tired of waiting and sent another operative who vaguely resembled a penguin to get all three of them and bring them back to Gallifrey. But that wasn't for a very long time later.

And Clara always had a thing for men in uniform, anyway.

* * *

 **The End**


End file.
